When your son doesn't call you "Mom"

"Why does your son call you by your first name and not mom?" asked one of my curious fifth graders one day this past week. The question didn't come as a surprise to me as it is one that our family has gotten before. These types of questions are one of the many reasons I love my job being a teacher to fifth graders. Their eager to know spirits are one of the many things that make me love teaching this age group. They are often willing to ask anything that their inquiring minds want to know. So this particular day, it happened to be the question of how my two boys address me.

Since she asked in front of the boys, the ten year old and myself explained to her how he has two moms. It turned out to be a sweet moment as we were able to tell her together how I am his foster mom, soon to be adoptive mom, and he also has a birth mom, too. My student got her question answered and the conversation ended. However, for me and our boys, this is a reality that is a part of our stories that we will continue to think about in the days to come.

Some days, I wonder about this more than others. If I am honest, there is a part of me that longs to be called mom by our two boys.  Then, there is another part of me that believes this isn't necessary for me to be a mom to these two boys. It is somewhat of an indescribable feeling, but I wanted to try to put words to it. So here goes.

As of today, I have mothered these two boys for almost 3 years. And while I may not ever have the privilege of having them call me mom, I have already been filled beyond measure in other ways. I am the one who has the privilege of putting these boys in bed every night. The one who gets to pray with and for them about their days, their hopes, and their futures. I am the one who gets to hold their little hands as we walk through the parking lot at the grocery story. I am the one who they snuggle up next to and nestle their heads against me when they are cold or tired. The one who gets to wake them up every morning by kissing their sleepy faces. I get to be the one who helps them with their homework each day, reads with them, and practice their multiplication facts. I am the one who gets to wash their dirty socks and remind them to brush their teeth every morning. I get to watch them ride their bike and scooter and watch as they jump their new ramp they made. And then sometimes, after that, I am the one who gets to wipe their tears and bandage their scraped knees when they fall. I am the one who their teacher calls to tell me when they have had a good day, and also the one who they call when they’ve had a not so good day. I am the one who gets to make their favorite cupcakes on their birthdays. I am the one who they wake up in the middle of the night when they aren’t feeling well or had a bad dream. I get to hug them and tell them they are safe and to not be scared. I am the one who gets to tell them about how kind and good our God is and also the one who will have to tell them the truth of the brokenness and sin of this world we live in. I am the one who gets to celebrate with them when things in life go well and grieve with them when things in life don’t go as they want. I am the one who will get to remind them that they are deeply loved.

I will be the one to tell them how their story is exactly the one that God had perfectly planned out for them since the beginning of time.  

When I think of all these things, there are many emotions that I experience. One is a joy that wells up inside of me that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Another one is an overwhelming sense of peace that makes me truly believe that it really doesn’t matter what they call me. I am their mama. While I am not the one who brought them into this world, through God’s grace and mercy, I am the one He has chosen to walk with them and guide them through this world. I am the one who gets the privilege of pointing them to the One who is the author of their life. I am the One who has the privilege to teach them how to follow Jesus. To me, this is far better than any name I could ever be called. My one hope is that one day I will hear these words from Jesus, “Well done, my good and faithful servant”….and just maybe then I will also hear Him say, “Well done, mom.”

Foster Care is God's Redemptive Work

There have been several surprises along the way as my husband and I have become foster parents. One surprise, that has been both pleasant and painful at different times along the way, is how being involved in foster care has impacted my soul and increased my faith in Jesus. If you would have told me this three years ago when we began our journey into the foster care world, I would have wondered what exactly this would look like for me.
Foster care has helped me to know my Father's heart better and see His hand at work in this world more clearly than ever. 
In the beginning, my husband and I knew that foster care was going to be a ministry for us. We knew that we would be serving children and their families. We felt called to this and wanted to be a part of it. Therefore, as with pretty much all serving and ministering to people goes, we also had some idea that this work would be hard as we were going to get "up close" with broken families and hearts that were hurting.

What I wasn't fully prepared for was the empathy and love that I would not only feel for our foster children, but for their birth family as well. 

When we left the courthouse just a few short days ago, the rain was pouring down from the sky. As we drove away, it felt to me as if the rain hitting our windshield were heavy tears falling from a grieving God. The inside of my heart felt the sadness of what the weather was expressing outside at that moment. A few moments earlier, we had heard our foster boy's birth mom speak the words that she knew she couldn't take care of her boys in the way they needed her to. After that, she wept uncontrollably. Just one day prior, their father had made a similar confession. As I watched their birth mom cry, I could feel a deep pain well up inside of me that I think was only a fraction of the deeper pain inside of her. Everyone present felt the sadness. Whether everyone there that day could put words to what they were feeling, everyone knew this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. It wasn't how God had planned for families to work. He never wanted a mom or dad to not be able to care for their children. However, here we all were. And it has happened. 

Not only has it happened here. It happens everyday. It is part of the fallen world we live in. A few years earlier, my husband and I thought we would come alongside a family and care for their children while they got their lives back together. When we began, we thought the end would look different than it has turned out to be. For many months, we hoped and prayed for reconciliation for the family. We thought God would allow us to partner with Him to restore something that was in need of some extra help and love. As it turned out, He was inviting us to partner with him. It simply looked different than we had thought it would in the beginning. The longer I walk with Jesus, the more I learn that is often the way He works. If He told us how everything would turn out in the end, He knew we wouldn't depend on him every day in between...and oh, how I have needed Him every hour of this journey.

As I have been reflecting on these events for the past few days, it has shown me how deeply it hurts God to see our sin and brokenness in a way I have never seen before. I can't think of many other times in my life that I felt the pain all the way down to my core that results from living in a fallen world. Thankfully, our foster children, their families, and our own stories don't end here.  As I was feeling this hurt, I also felt him gently remind me of His great love for me and His people. It's in His nature to come running for us, right in the middle of our sin and pain, to tell us He still loves us in spite of our fallen nature. It is why He tells us in His Word that while we were still sinners, He died for us. He loves us so much that He doesn't leave us in our place of desperate need.  He is a redeeming God and He doesn't leave us in our brokenness. He stopped at nothing to bring us back to himself.

There is a bigger story being told in our foster care system. One that tells a story of redemption. One that we don't get to see the end from where we sit. However, God does see the end. He is asking us to trust him and be faithful to what he has called us to this day. And for us, for today, that looks like my husband and I creating space in our home and hearts for these two boys for FOREVER on this side of heaven. We are currently pursuing adoption of our foster boys, which we are beyond happy about by the way! There are some things that words can't quite capture, and the GREAT JOY that we feel knowing that God has chosen us to adopt these boys is one of them. We also believe (although we aren't quite sure what it looks like) that God has asked us to continue to pray for and love our boy's birth family.

We are more certain than ever that God is using foster care as part of his redemptive story. Whether He's restoring birth families or creating adoptive families, it's all part of His perfect plan. And while we know that only some folks are called to be foster parents, we do believe that He calls others to minister to foster parents. We have experienced this first hand. God has used our friends, our families, and He has also placed a group of folks from our church (our community group and our foster care wrap around community group) who have been with us every step of the way. There is no doubt in my mind that through their prayers, support, and service to us, they too have witnessed God's hand in every detail of this process. I believe God has increased their faith, allowed them see His heart for all people, and experience His redemptive work in a way that they might not have apart from their ministry to us. 

Summertime- Shaping in the Serving

This post has been one in the making of my heart and mind for quite a while and I am just now getting around to putting my thoughts into words. Mostly, I write down these thoughts for myself so I am able to look back and be reminded at how the Lord worked in my own heart, but also am hopeful that it may be an encouragement to others.
This summer has been one of the most challenging by far. I know that most of you want to roll your eyes at this statement, especially for those who know that I am a teacher and think this is not possible for me to have a "challenge" when I get a break from my job as a teacher during summer. Most people think that a chance to enjoy a slower pace of life shouldn't have any challenges. Those folks also may think that I am complaining and not grateful for a break away from my job in the classroom. So, I preface this by saying I am filled with much gratitude for this season called summer. My boys and I have enjoyed many relaxing mornings filled with coffee, reading scripture together, and going from pj's to swim suits and back to pj's.
As I look back on the past two months, I remember many days ending with me telling my husband that I feel like I live the same day over and over again when it comes to teaching our two boys. We have a rising fourth grader and rising second grader this summer. Both boys have shown growth in many areas since coming to live with us over two years ago. However, one area rises to the top as being the most difficult and if I am honest, feels like the one in which it is hard to see growth. Both boys came to us pretty much as non readers. So, the educator in me, thought that I would take the opportunity of summer time to really invest in their reading and math skills. So, our first summer together came and went. Summer number two came and went. We worked on reading and math both summers and saw little growth. When summer three arrived two months ago, I thought to myself, "This is the summer. This is going to be the summer when my work gets easier and pays off and I will finally get to see a lot of progress!" But as I have began to face reality recently, these past two months have been full of days that have actually felt the complete opposite of that.
We have a routine for our summer days that consist of reading and working on math facts before any screen time. Screen time includes anything that has a screen, like tablets, gaming systems, and tv. I thought this would be a great motivator considering how much the boys love anything with a screen involved! A few weeks in, I found it was a good motivator for the ten year old as he would get his work done quickly to earn his screen time. The eight year old was a bit of a different story. He would think of anything to do besides reading and math. He would play in his room, play outside, even help me with chores to not have to do the hard work of reading. But, I would eventually have to make him and more days than not, this time began and ended with tears. He would explain how reading is still so hard for him. I do recognize how much effort it takes on his part to still sound out words and try to make meaning of the words on the page. My heart aches for him as I watch how hard this task is for him. But, I know how much he needs to practice in order to keep making progress. I keep telling him how it takes practice to continue to make progress. I feel like this statement has been on repeat day after day.
As I think about summer coming to a close, I sometimes get sad that reading for them is simply not enjoyable. Not only is it something they dislike, it is indeed something that is still really frustrating. I can feel defeated that this is still something we are struggling with three summers later.
Then, just as God always does when we invite him into the hard places, He met me here and reminded me of some beautiful truths. He did this through His Word and His Spirit through the words of my husband.
Dan would remind me on our summer evenings that often times, our work is hard and frustrating. Sometimes we don't even get to see the progress of our work. We work simply because God has called us to it. God has asked me to love and teach these boys. Period. The verses from Colossians that I have meditated on (sometimes right in the middle of one of the boys SLOWLY reading a book) say, " Work willingly at WHATEVER you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ."
These timeless truths from God's word speak to me right in the middle of our books. I am NOT only doing this tiring work so these boys will be better readers. I am doing it because the Lord has asked me to. And that is enough of a reason to keep on keeping on. Day after day. When the tears come, when the complaining comes, when it feels as if I can't do it one more day because it seems like it doesn't make any difference whether I do this work or not...God's Word tells me that it does make a difference. It does matter. It is work that is serving Christ, my Lord. No matter what the results are, this work is shaping me. It is showing me that sometimes my work only matters to the Lord.
Dan would also point me towards the idea that the fruit of my work may be more in teaching our boys discipline. Most children don't want to work at something that is hard for them, especially during the summer. They want to do things that they are good at, things that come easy to them, and things that are fun. However, a lot of times, God asks us to do something for the sake of doing it, becoming more disciplined in the process. On the surface, it feels like I am only teaching them how to sound out words and use good reading strategies. But then, when I take a step back, I wonder if it could be more about teaching them to deny self, teaching them how to have discipline in other areas later in life. Our boys, like a lot of young children, haven't done too many things that are hard and require work...a lot of work. They need loving adults in their life to model how to work for them and push them into areas that require hard work for them. This is my job as their mom. Not one that is easy, but I am learning that it is one that is necessary.
So, I am actually beginning to see that there just may be some purpose in my work this summer. Just when it felt like there wasn't many tangible results from the work that we have ALL been doing in our home this summer, it appears that there may be some deeper and more meaningful purposes to all this. I am learning that God has purpose in all of our work and that if we allow them, He is using it all for our good and His Glory!

The "Why" Behind Why We Chose to Foster

Recently, I was asked the question of what led my husband and I to fostering. Although we made this decision a few years ago, I didn't have to pause too long to remember what led us to the decision to become foster parents. While there were a few reasons we felt like we were being pushed in this direction, there is one that stands out far above the rest. Simply put, we felt like this was something that God asked us to do. Therefore, we made our decision to become foster parents out of obedience to him.

We have been extremely blessed to be a part of the local Church at Grace Church. On that note, two of the core values for our church includes being Culturally Engaged and Biblically Oriented. The first core value of being Culturally Engaged means that we believe we are to engage our neighbors both locally and globally in order to share the gospel and care for those in need. Through the core value of being Biblically Oriented, we believe Scripture should be the foundation for our lives as believers. As my husband and I considered both of these core values, it wasn’t too hard to see that, for us,  this meant opening our home to foster children. 

For the past few years, the leadership at our church has brought before us the need for foster parents in our community. At one point, they shared that there are 1,227 children in foster care in Upstate South Carolina, but only 682 foster homes and a few shelters. This shed light on a huge need in our community for us and began to pull on our hearts. We were also reading in Scripture where the Bible is very clear about our responsibility to care for the orphaned and vulnerable in our society. In James 1:27, God tells us that pure and genuine religion means caring for orphans and widows in their distress. 

After leaving church on a few occasions, we both felt a sense of God nudging us in the direction of fostering. With the present need for foster parents and the scriptures being pretty clear to us, we prayed about what we could do to help. We felt like we had been blessed with some extra margin of time and resources, so we believed God might be asking us to engage and care for children in our local community through fostering.  Therefore, we began to pursue it by attending an informational meeting at church where they were going to be sharing more about how to become involved. At that meeting, it became very clear to us to move in this area of getting our license.

It was extremely important that my husband and I felt confident that this was something God was asking of us because the next 12 months or so were frustrating at times and required a lot of patience as we moved through the process of being licensed by the state. If both of us weren’t confident, it would have been easy to give up and walk away from the process. We encountered things like not having the correct size windows according to code all the way to me not having finger prints that were identifiable (that is another story for another day!). Also, we started the process with one agency (the agency that was at the first informational meeting we attended) and then stopped pursuing it for a few months while we moved to a new home. So, when we started the process over, a friend at church recommended Miracle Hill Foster Care to us. We began talking with Miracle Hill about helping us get licensed. 

My husband and I both agree that this is probably one of the most beneficial parts of the entire fostering experience for us. It was a surprise blessing that we stopped and restarted the process because it meant that we were able to get licensed with the help of Miracle Hill Foster Care. Throughout the licensing process and the child placement process, we know that it has been a much easier experience with Miracle Hill at our side. First of all, having a licensing worker who is knowledgeable about the system and how it works is a huge support. Next, having someone who we know genuinely knows and cares for us throughout the whole time is invaluable. Our Miracle Hill licensing worker shows up at all the court trials, Foster Care Review Board meetings, and comes to visit us in our home. We consider ourselves to be blessed by having someone like this in our life. We have talked with other foster parents who don't have this same support.  We don't know how we would have survived without our licensing worker, Becki Clouse. She has been such a benefit to us on so many occasions over the past couple of years. 

If you are someone who is considering fostering, I would encourage you to move and take a step in that direction. I would be more than happy to talk with you in more detail about our experience as this is an area that God has grown my love and passion for so I love talking with others about it. I would encourage you to find a place where there is more information being shared and just go and listen. We believe whether you eventually think this is what God is asking you to do or if you just learn more about fostering, you will be blessed. We have certainly been blessed in more ways than we could have ever imagined. One of the biggest ways we have been blessed is having the scripture from Matthew 10:39 come alive to us. The promise that Jesus gives us in this scripture of finding more life when you give your life away has become a tangible truth for us through fostering. We have found that we are filled with more purpose and life that only Jesus can give as a result of fostering. God has given us more joy than I could have ever asked for through this experience.

Reflections on Ice Skating and 2016

Our New Year's Eve family outing this year involved going ice skating. For the first hour, I put on ice skates and tried to keep up with my husband and the boys, who let's just say are much better at this activity than me. After awhile I decided to take off my ice skates and just sit and watch the three of them skate for another hour or so. As I watched, I couldn't help but do some reflecting on our year. It didn't take me long to begin to see some similarities between the past year and this ice skating experience. As most people who have ever put on a pair of ice skates know, ice skating is hard, sometimes scary, often discouraging, and can be straight up painful...and yet somehow, in the midst of all of that,  it can also be fun and wonderful.

Many who have walked through this last year with us know that there have been days that could be described using some of these same words as well. We have experienced some sadness, discouragement, unfulfilled longings, and some days have just been downright painful. 

As I watched the boys, who by the way this was their first time ice skating, they kept falling and getting wet, cold, and beat up from hitting the ice so many times. I kept thinking they should just give up and take their skates off. But they didn't. They kept getting up every time and trying again. They even kept telling me that they were having fun and showing it by the smiles I saw flash across their face every few minutes. It kinda surprised me how persistent and committed they were. There was something beautiful about it to me. That's when my mind began to make some connections between ice skating and our past year. One thing that quickly allowed me to make this connection was how I saw my husband continue to come along beside and encourage them. He would hold their hands and help them regain their balance. He helped them by picking them up off the ice over and over again. I think these things were helping them to keep going. More than once, I saw him give them a gentle whisper in their ear saying how proud he was of them for trying something new. I think this is what gave them strength to keep going and helped them to not give up. 
It was at this point, I remembered some scripture that we had read together as a family just a couple of days earlier. Romans 8: 15-17 says...
“So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."
It was almost overwhelming as I felt this truth wash over me.  God was reminding me of something that was crucial for me to be reminded of at the close of this year. His promise in His Word here tells me that He doesn't want me to respond with fear when I encounter suffering. He doesn't want me to give up and quit, and stay in a place of discouragement when things in my life aren't going the way I hoped or planned. He wants me to come to Him, my father. He wants to whisper to me that He loves me and He is working in and through me for His Glory. He wants me to know that He is with me and helping me. He is the one who is giving me the strength I need to get through the hard places. He has a plan for me that although it has painful parts, it also has him as the author. He is ultimately sovereign and will make it all turn out for his good, which also means it will turn out for my good. 

Later on in that same chapter, Romans 8, verse 26, God tells us that " the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness." I have felt weak at points this past year. I have also experienced moments that I know it was God helping me in my weak moments, just like I saw my husband helping our boys when they were ice skating. 

Therefore, as I enter into 2017, I am going to try to live more into my heritage as the daughter of a King. I know that sharing in His glory has and will continue to involve sharing in His suffering. He longs to give me daily affirmation that He is with me in it all. I want to walk close enough to Him this year so that I can hear his voice whispering to me, telling me that I am His and He loves me and that His plans for me are still good, very good. Especially in the hard parts, I want to know and trust that it is his truths and strength that I need depend on each day.  I am beginning 2017 by choosing to trust that God is telling a beautiful story...a story that although it has some messy, sad and hard parts now, but in the end, it will all lead to one Glorious Story.
As I write this blog post, I can't help but think it is almost like our boys knew that the hurt and discomfort from ice skating paled in comparison to the joy the experience brought them. They kept their eyes on the joyous parts and chose to listen to my husband's voice of encouragement. My prayer is that I too will fix my eyes on my Father in heaven and listen to His voice and allow it to be louder than my fears. I want to focus on the beautiful parts of our story...our story that will be perfect in the end because it is His story.